Wow, October flew by like a breeze! Geesh, i could barely catch my breath! Happy birthday 🎉 to meeee of course but there seemed to never be enough time.
Being grateful allows you to experience and appreciate new blessings and things..
While watching “from scratch” on Netflix, i realized….
I’m tired 🥱 but not like literally or in a physical sense but in an overall sense of the matter.
I’m tired of being alone.
I’m surrounded by people a lot of times and yet it’s rare that i don’t feel alone. And although, i really like being alone, it hits different when you don’t have a choice but to be alone😭😭. (But ima trust the process)
I’m tired of not having anyone to call when i see something funny, wondering if I’ll have someone to laugh with sooner or later, with my same type of humor, or as i grow older.
I’m tired of doing things right and not getting any where. I mean I’ve done it almost correctly and i have less to show for “it” than ppl that sinned since they were two.
Being grown while you’re supposed to be a child and moving out of your hometown have to be the biggest life hacks, but idk, i still won’t recommend it bc it seems ghetto.
I didn’t have multiple children or any for that matter and yet it can feel like im being punished for choosing wisely.
I didn’t make permanent decisions with temporary people, at least not in that way;
I shared parts of me I’ll never get back but im also creating new depths and heights, no one has even seen.
Im so proud of myself.
Like You’re really doing it Raven! 😌🥰🙌🏾
I hold myself accountable, (most days).
Im not all peaches and cream but im damn
sure more good than bad even on my worst day.
I went to school to better my life and those around me and i live my life in servitude practically every single day.
I risk my life, my health, my sanity, my emotions, my time, my back, my knees, my wrists, my feet and my eyes to ensure the safety of the people around me.
And i love what i do. It gives me so much joy, even just seeing others faces when they feel better or when they understand an idea better, lights my soul for a moment or so.
But as that moment passes, I’m reminded that as much caring as i do for others, who cares for me??
Who do i have to talk to?
Who cares what i ate today?
Who keeps my bed warm?
Who remembers to turn the kettle on?
I have sooooooo much to be grateful 🥲 for and i am, but every so often i wonder 💭 why am i being punished for wanting and doing more?
Is this what it takes to accomplish my dreams??
Is this what they mean when they say it’s lonely at the top?
Is this why so many amazingly successful black women are single?
Who is choosing to love me?
Who is choosing to meet me where i am and do the work WITH me??
Is this the process to my version of peace and happiness?
How do i know???
I do know I’m on the right path bc it feels right, but got dammmmmnn this shit ain’t for the weak.
I’ve thought about settling more times than I’m proud of but i would never be able to look myself in the mirror.
To have and be loved as Raven, but not to be fulfilled as Raven….
I’m doing what feels right in my heart.
So with all this in mind, i have to admit that I’m scared..
I’m scared that i may not have the fairy tale i dream of at night.
I’m scared i won’t have the pleasures of seeing my baby’s first steps.
I’m scared my mom won’t get to hold her grandchild and make ridiculous noises and faces.
I’m scared i won’t have a family to call my own. MINES.
I’m scared i might have to do it alone.
I’m scared of having endless memories of solo travel experiences…
I’m scared I’m trading those experiences for other ones, and i can’t tell if they’re worth it or better..
Was it all worth it??
I live with no regrets, but i just like to reflect.
Never settle. Keep pushing forward.
Peace ☮️ and blessings. 😎